A

When I write songs, I usually don’t understand them until they’re written. In this case, I didn’t get it until after I recorded it.

On August 11th, 2014, around 5pm, I sat down to record this, a brand new tune. When I was done, I ate dinner and then jumped on Facebook, where I started seeing notices about Robin Williams’ apparent suicide.

At this time I wrote this, I was struggling to find the light during an unusually deep bout of depression and panic. I couldn’t find an answer within me. I didn’t know where to find an answer. My mind kept returning to the friends that I loved and admired that had chosen to end their lives, or those whose lives were cut short as a result of addiction.

HEAVY is for these friends: Crow, Vaughn, Nina, Ashley, friends of friends, and with the timing of it all, Robin Williams. This is my conversation with them, a recognition of self in another. I make a choice every day: I search with the fervor of a dying person for a way back in, for a way towards the light of love and faith and eternal truth, because depression and addiction can lead people we love, even ourselves, to thinking there is only one way out.

This song is about that paralyzing feeling where, in the midst of despondency, have to make a decision that may seem impossible. This is about how these friends who chose death remind me that, no matter how eternal a pain can feel, life is short, and we are all beautiful and magnificent creatures in our own way. This too shall pass — I must keep searching while I can.

I know how good life can be, yet this is the reality I face sometimes. As a result, when I am in trouble, I reach out for help. When I am better, I do all I can to help others. That is the beautiful balance of this life for me. I love you all, far and wide, from the deepest part of my being. Thank you for being you.

Rest in Peace, friends long gone.
Live in Peace, us among the living.